Shadow of Cerberus EVE Community Forum

CEO update hack

And now an important message from Jester's evil twin, Garth. The opinions of Garth are not the opinions of Jester (unless they are).

Dear friends and paragons of evil, you will probably not be surprised to learn that Jester's computer is not the only one I can break into from time to time at need. Others there are that my fell vision can penetrate. A recent sojourn across the internet into the computer of another may interest you. I present it for your amusement: the true interface into Goonswarm's central systems as recently seen by The Mittani himself.



Welcome, The Mittani.

. You are currently receiving: moon income (ISK)
. You are currently receiving: rental income (ISK)
. You are currently receiving: themittani.com writer income (ISK)
. You are currently receiving: themittani.com advertiser income (RLC)
. Your ISK transfer bank account is currently on file and verified.
To enter ISK transfer options, at the main menu, type "ISK".

. You have 13 unread updates.
. You have 2 upcoming calendar entries.
. Currently due calendar entry: MONTHLY CEO UPDATE

MAIN MENU, EXPERT MODE
(To see all menu options, type "MENU". To change to standard mode, type "STANDARD".)
> CEOUPDATE

CEO UPDATE MENU, EXPERT MODE
(To see all menu options, type "MENU". To change to standard mode, type "STANDARD".)
> TEMPLATE
Displaying current template...

GSF CEO UPDATE: ALL HAIL (5)___

As you all know, we are currently fighting for our very survival in (1)___ and (2)___. In the war so far, we have sustained some really embarrassing losses due to our outmoded (10)___ fleets, which have been overwhelmed by the enemy's use of over-powered (9)___s. While (18)___ have had some limited success in cooperation with our allies (17)___, we've been lucky. (7)___ are unlike any foe we have faced before and their campaigns in (2)___ have been successful. We have had some luck destroying them when they rely on (11)___ fleets, but now that they have switched to (9)___ en masse our (10)___ fleets can no longer keep up.

We are therefore in serious danger of losing the war in (1)___ and must adjust our tactics. Our overall strategy continues to be (4)___, of course, and we will continue to support (17)___ in their efforts. But we must all support the new doctrine of (5)___. Get trained for one now and get one shipped out to (3)___ immediately.


WHY THE WAR IN (1)___ IS CRITICAL

We are completely terrible at this game. Our previous incompetent attempts to fight the enemy's (9)___ fleet in (10)___s has shown that we clearly don't know what we're doing. Had we continued with using (10)___s, our humble outnumbered forces would clearly have been crushed. Therefore, after much thought and deliberation we have concluded that (5)___ is key to our survival. We must fight (7)___ in (1)___ or we will surely be fighting them in VFK.

We have faced these deadly threats to our very survival before in (15)___ before and survived, even though we were overwhelmed by the forces of (12)___. Just as in Syndicate, just as in Delve, just as in (15)___, we have been driven back due to our terrible play and due to CCP's mistakes in making the enemy's (11)___ fleets too over-powered for us to overcome. However, just as before when we spit in the eye of (12)___ and (13)___, ensuring our survival against these existential threats, just as we showed CCP their game was terrible in the enemy's use of over-powered (10)___ fleets, we will overcome the forces of (7)___ just as we did (14)___ in (15)___.


WHY (7)___ AND THEIR (9)___ FLEETS ARE EVIL

We and (18)___ have had some success in attacking (11)___ fleets in (2)___. But their (9)___ fleets are unlike anything we have ever faced before. This shit is real. Our normal terrible play will no longer cut it here.

While our (10)___ fleets were effective during the (15)___ campaign, they are shown to be hopelessly outmoded in today's ~elite PvP~ combat. While our current strategy of (4)___ may sound like this is not a serious war, we are fighting for our very survival and must adapt to today's strategies. CCP has clearly shown through their inept development of this terrible game that (9)___s are over-powered. But we have found a way to overcome: the (5)___.

This fleet relies on (6)___ as its primary ships and a combat doctrine that is quite different from our previous (10)___ fleets. We have already been successful fighting when the enemy relies on (11)___, but the (10)___ doctrine is overwhelmed by (9)___. You should fill your training queue with skills that will get you into a (6)___ as soon as possible. Fortunately, the skills you previously developed training for the (8)___ fleet are very applicable and will mean that you should be able to get into a (6)___ with just a few days training. We are manufacturing these ships in bulk so you have no excuses. Get your training queues sorted or the victories that we previously achieved against (12)___ will seem a happy memory and our enemies, (7)___, will be writing our epitaths and laughing at the death of our alliance as they rat in VFK.

The tl;dr version? Get a fucking (6)___ and get it staged in (3)___.


GET YOUR SHIT MOVED TO (3)___

We cannot allow our enemies (7)___ any rest or respite. Just as when we fought (12)___, this enemy has declared unending enmity upon us and will not rest until we are destroyed. We cannot allow these smug bastards -- all of whom are really just the dregs of (13)___ risen up again to try to drive us from our homelands -- to win. This is total war. (18)___ have already shown us the way forward with their shining example, using an early version of (5)___ to assist (17)___ during a recent skirmish in (2)___. This has clearly shown that (6)___ will work against the enemy's (9)___ fleet.

Once we are properly staged, we can move through (1)___ like a plague, destroying (7)___ (9)___ fleets wherever they stand against us. No prisoners! No mercy! We will not stop until (1)___ and (2)___ are conquered and the enemy lies bleeding and broken at our feet, added to the great pile of bodies that includes (12)___ and (14)___. Just as in (15)___, we shall be victorious!

Using (5)___, we will crush our enemies! See you in (3)___!


CEO UPDATE MENU, EXPERT MODE
(To see all menu options, type "MENU". To change to standard mode, type "STANDARD".)
> ENTRY
Entering data entry mode for CEO Update...

(1) Enter current war front primary region.
> CURSE
(2) Enter current war front secondary regions, if any. When done, type "DONE".
> IMMENSEA
...added.
> TENERIFIS
...added.
> OMIST
...added.
> DONE
(3) Enter current war front staging system.
> G-0
(4) Enter current war front troll tag-line.
(4) Default currently set to "HONOURABLE THIRD PARTIES". To accept default, type "Y".
> Y
(5) Enter this month's preferred doctrine name.
> OMEGAFLEET
(6) Enter this month's preferred doctrine high SP ship class.
> NAGLFAR
(7) Enter current enemies.
(7) Default currently set to "N3. NCDOT." To accept default, type "Y".
> Y
(8) Enter most applicable low SP ship class from previous doctrine.
> MAELSTROM
(9) Enter enemy's preferred doctrine high SP ship class.
> ARCHON
(10) Enter last month's preferred doctrine ship class most like (9).
> DOMINIX
(11) Enter enemy's preferred doctrine low SP class.
> ISHTAR
(12) Enter previous hot-button enemy.
(12) Default currently set to "BAND OF BROTHERS. RAIDEN. REIKOKU." To accept default, type "Y".
> Y
(13) Enter previous hot-button enemy special instructions, if any. When done, type "DONE".
> ADD DICE
...added.
> ADD EVOLUTION
...added.
> ADD FINFLEET
...added.
> DELETE REIKOKU.
...deleted.
> DONE
(14) Enter previous enemy.
> TEST
(15) Enter previous war front primary region.
> FOUNTAIN
(16) Enter previous war secondary regions, if any. When done, type "DONE".
> DONE
(17) Enter current favored primary allies.
> RUS
(18) Enter current favored CFC cannon fodder. When done, type "DONE".
> FCON
...added.
> GENTS
...added.
> CO2
...added.
> DONE

Data entry complete.


CEO UPDATE MENU, EXPERT MODE
(To see all menu options, type "MENU". To change to standard mode, type "STANDARD".)
> PUBLISH
CEO Update data entry complete. Template confirmed. Ready to publish.

Publish to forums (Y/N)?
> Y
Processing... please wait.
...done.

Publish to themittani.com (Y/N)?
> Y
Processing... please wait.
...done.

Your themittani.com balance has been increased by: 100 million ISK
Transfer to ISK transfer bank account (Y/N)?
> N
Leaving CEO Update mode...

MAIN MENU, EXPERT MODE
(To see all menu options, type "MENU". To change to standard mode, type "STANDARD".)
> EXIT
Have a Goony day!

SESSION CLOSED

The preceding has been an important message from Jester's evil twin, Garth. The management apologizes to any and all whom Garth may have offended. Garth has multiple personalities, but they are all identically stupid.
Source: CEO update hack